How I Found My Joy

As I share my story with you all through this blog, I feel as though I must share how I got to this place in my life, for it is one of the most crucial parts of my story. I was not always this happy; I have seen my fair share of hardship. One day, though, I began talking to God, and it changed my life forever.

As a child, my family and I attended church every week. I grew up in Sunday school, Bible studies, and youth groups. Yet in high school, when I would see or hear people talk about how they could feel God’s presence, I did not understand. The presence of God was something I thought I could not experience. I would see social media posts about the power of a relationship with Him, but I did not know how to get to that place myself.

Before I get to how I eventually reached that life-changing moment, allow me to explain a little bit of my background. I grew up in a very loving home, with both parents, three siblings, and my grandmother. My life as a child was very comfortable. As the years passed, though, things changed, for both the better and the worse. My parents divorced when I was in sixth grade. Two years later, my family grew by a step mother, three step siblings, and a half brother. I fell in love with my best friend at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school. During the remainder of my high school career, I was in two serious car accidents, dealt with various significant family issues, and faced financial trouble alongside my family.

Also during this time period, I began to recognize my anxiety issues for what they were. Looking back, I have dealt with anxiety since I was a child, although I did not know it at the time. I remember being an 8-year-old insomniac, for I was deathly afraid that someone would break into our house in the middle of the night. I used to chase my mom down the hall crying after she dropped me off at elementary school, because I was afraid that if she left, I would never see her again. These are only a couple examples of the paranoid things I would do. Nothing traumatic had happened to me to make me this way – it was just part of who I was.

Fast forward to high school, and the life’s pressures began to amplify my problem. I began having panic attacks. For those of you who have not experienced these before, I cannot describe it except to say that it feels like your body is closing in on you. It manifests different ways in different people, but for me it usually comes with the inability to control tears, breathing, and sometimes my own body. Even the most seemingly insignificant thing could trigger an attack, but the next thing I knew, I would be in the bathroom at school or the break room at work overtaken by my anxiety.

In the midst of dealing with these issues, I read a book that really got me thinking about who God is. The book is called Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it was one of the most eye-opening books I have ever read for a multitude of reasons. In Ms. Gilbert’s story, which is written about her real life experiences, she spoke of finding peace and contentment and joy – all things I so desperately wanted but could not seem to attain. Still, though, I did not yet begin to truly search for Him.

I soon started college at Texas A&M University, where I was 375 miles away from Maj and hours away from my entire family. My college experience started out strong. I made some incredible friends and tried my best to make the most out of having the privilege to attend such a great school.

One day, though, I met a man whom I thought was also a student, but I later discovered had introduced himself under a fake name and false pretenses. He had manipulated me into giving him some personal information and began sending me text messages and calling my phone over and over. In my typical fashion, I became extremely fearful. The nighttime anxiety of my past found its way back in.

At the end of each day, when darkness fell, I would find myself experiencing panic attacks once again. The fear brought on the dread, magnified the loneliness, and completely ruined my peace. I was unable to eat. I lost all desire to go anywhere. I would spend a large part of my days sobbing over the phone to people I thought could make it better.

The worst part, though, was the lack of sleep. I could force myself to eat, to hang out with friends, to exercise and “surround myself with positivity,” even though those things hardly did anything to improve my situation. But no matter how hard I tried, I could not force myself to sleep.

Over a span of about three weeks, the downward spiral continued. For the first time in my life, I was experiencing true, crippling depression. I had reached the lowest point of my entire life, and I was afraid nothing would be able to bring me back.

Then one night, as I lay there awake with that sense of terror I could not shake, I grabbed a journal. At first, I just wrote. I scribbled down all my fears and frustrations, telling God everything on my mind. Then I decided to open my Bible.

I will not lie and say that my Bible happened to magically open up to the exact verse I needed to hear. Sometimes we have to stop waiting for divine intervention and pursue it ourselves. I Googled verses about fear and found one I still hold close to my heart to this day: “The Lord is my light and my salvation – whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid?” -Psalm 27:1. I recited this verse over and over in my head, and as I did, I began to feel a sense of comfort I had not felt in so long. That night, I finally felt at peace for the first time in a while.

From that day on, I began a daily routine. Each morning as soon as I woke up (or each night when I could not fall asleep), I pulled out my journal, my Bible, and a devotional book. I would begin by simply writing to God, telling Him anything and everything on my heart. I would then read a devotion and its accompanying verses. I purposely chose devotions that related to what I needed to hear – how to find peace, let go of fear and anxiety, and experience God’s comfort.

Y’all. When I say the Word has forever changed me, I mean it. I have found so much HOPE in it. When I am feeling down, I can look to the Bible for reassurance. When Samajé and I are having an argument, God shows me the best way to handle the situation. When I feel as though nothing can comfort me, His Word always proves me wrong. But most importantly, no matter what I am going through or where I am in life, I have found hope in knowing that I have the power to make my life incredible, because I have God on my side.

Through all of this, one of the most important things I learned is that there is NOTHING that can take the place of God in your life. I was surrounded by the most amazing people during my absolute worst times, but those people were not what brought me comfort. Doing “all the right things” did not bring me comfort. Material things, social media, or excelling in school did not bring me comfort. Only GOD did.

Today, I personally still prefer to spend my time with God through journaling. Maybe journaling is not your thing, though, and you would rather experience God in silence or through meditation. Or maybe you prefer to talk to Him in the car on your drive to school or work. Everyone is different. I just encourage anyone reading this to figure out what feels right for you and go with it. I promise, when you seek and find Him, you will never be the same.

<3 Meg