The Language of Love

A couple of years ago, while vacationing with a friend, she and I decided to take the love languages test. If you are not familiar with the love languages profile, it was developed by Gary Chapman as a way to discover your “emotional communication preference.” The five “languages” are gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

Personally, the test did not do much for me. Physical touch was my primary love language, but I speak all six love languages fluently. (What’s the sixth, you ask? Food. The creator of the theory may have forgotten to add this one to the list, but food is absolutely a love language.) I love deeply. At times, this can be considered one of my downfalls, as it often leaves me vulnerable and overly invested. Still, I consider it one of my greatest gifts.

While it did not shed much light on my personal relationship behavior, I also managed to get Samajé to take the test. We discovered his primary love language is quality time. This made sense to me from the start, but it has taken a couple years of reflection to fully comprehend how important knowing his love language is to our relationship.

With social media being so prevalent in our daily lives, the act of comparison has become second nature. We compare our looks, our possessions, and our relationships to those we see on Facebook and Instagram. We often find ourselves envying what others have, which steals our joy and has the potential to ruin our lives.

I have fallen into this trap so many times, and despite being aware of this tendency, I still often catch myself participating in the comparison game. When Maj and I started dating back in high school, I would often see things my friends posted about their significant others and wonder why he wasn’t doing that for me.

Here’s the thing. A lot of people think we are the cutest couple. (I agree. 😉) But all those things you see boyfriends and husbands doing on Instagram? Not happening much over here. Samajé doesn’t do random flowers or gifts. I have never woken up to breakfast in bed. We hold hands maybe once a month, and PDA from him is rare. He despises taking pictures, much less “super cute” ones. He doesn’t post about how beautiful I am or how much he loves me every other day.

And all that is just fine with me, because what he does do is spend time with me seven days a week. Every day, he comes straight home from work. We eat dinner together, play with the dogs together, and watch a couple episodes of our shows together. On the weekends when he isn’t at football, we go to the movies together, go out to eat together, play games together – you get the picture. He doesn’t go hang out with his boys; he doesn’t get home and retreat into his own little world. He is simply always there, and for that reason I fall asleep every single night knowing he loves me.

Don’t get me wrong – quality time is not the only thing he gives. Every now and then, he posts something sweet on Instagram, grabs my hand when we’re out, or lets me sleep in while he takes care of the house. Because I know that these are not his preferred methods of emotional communication, they mean so much more to me than they might to others.

If I did not know and understand Samaje’s love language, I may have misunderstood the lack of certain actions. I may have taken these signs to mean that he does not love me, while overlooking the most important of them all.

I am writing this post in hopes that it may serves as a reminder that each relationship is different. Maybe your significant other doesn’t place as much value quality time, but is always telling you how lucky she is to have you. Maybe your person doesn’t put his arm around you every time you’re in public, but he does the dishes for you every night. Your partner probably doesn’t speak all the love languages – most people don’t – but the one they speak the most speaks the loudest.

Moral of the story: Don’t compare your relationship to others. Know your partner, know yourself, and realize that you can be so incredibly happy without “having it all.”

<3 Meg